It's So Hard To Say Good-Bye...

On July 28th, 2012, Justin's great-grandmother (Patricia Beyersdorf) AKA, "The Packer Grandma" lost her 6 year battle with lung cancer. As a mother, it's my duty to protect my child from pain and heartache. It's also my duty to educate and comfort. So, when grandma passed away (mind you on Justin's 4th birthday) I was besides myself trying to figure out what we were going to say to him, how to explain it and help him grieve (and get through his birthday party without being an emotional train wreck, which by the way I am proud to say I did keep it together.) But, as usual, I found my little guy with a wisdom beyond his years and he was the one to comfort ME.....

We waited until the following day to tell share grandma's passing. I was honest, yet brief. We told him grandma was very, very sick and the doctor's couldn't do anything to help her anymore. We then told him that grandma decided she wanted to go to heaven and be with baby Ben and Jesus. We asked if he had any questions and he said no....

He did fairly well with the loss of Ben, but with grandma we were sailing into unchartered territory, ie, a funeral home visitation, a funeral service, the burial. Now, I know many parents wouldn't agree to take a child to these types of venues, but I have to disagree for a few reasons....#1. I lost my 17 year old cousin to leukemia when I was 7 years old. We were very close. He was like my brother, my protector....At the time everyone thought it best to shield me from his death. I didn't go to the funeral and back in the day there really weren't any grief support programs for children like there are today. Today, I still feel a hole in my heart that I don't think will ever heal. I don't think I ever got to truly grieve his loss. #2. I work for a hospice. I'm surrounded by death everyday. It isn't all gloom and doom and it's taught me many valuable lessons on grief and children. I spoke to my colleague Jeff who is a MSW and a Bereavement Counselor in our office. He also happens to be a father to 2 young children. When I called him for advice he kind of chuckled and reminded me that I do this everyday and I knew what to do. I guess I just needed to hear it from someone else.

So, I asked Justin if he wanted to go say good-bye to grandma. He said yes, so we explained this was going to be a little different than baby Ben's service. We told him we were going to go to a funeral home and this is a place where people (including us) might be sad (and it's ok to be sad), but people might also be laughing and telling stories about grandma. A lot of people were going to come visit us and give us hugs, kisses and shake our hands and tell us they are sorry we are sad. We said there would be lots of flowers....and a "big box" with grandma's picture on the top with more flowers. (Grandma requested a closed casket thankfully.) I did fib a little when we asked what was in the "box" though as I didn't think he would quite understand that part and I didn't want him to get scared. I said it was some of grandma's belongings and favorite things (partly true, right?). He did really well come time for the visitation. If anything he brought a little comic relief and lightened the somber tone, which I know grams would have wanted.

The next day would be the funeral and burial. We told him this was going to be like going to church, and a lot of people would be there to pray and say good-bye to grandma. Again, we said a lot of people would be crying and sad. He didn't really say much, but he was really well behaved I must say. I was so proud of him and he was so brave. At the burial he gave grandma a rose when the "box" was in the ground. He then blew her a kiss and sent her a balloon to heaven in true Justin fashion. (This was something special we did at Ben's service. It really brought a lot of comfort and peace to Justin.) When the balloon disappeared beyond the clouds he got the biggest smile on his face and said, "Look mom, it went to heaven!" Another proud moment for this mom....Again, Justin didn't say very much.

So at the beginning of the blog I mentioned that wisdom Justin has beyond his years....So, as I was crying and very upset, Justin crawled in my lap, cupped by chin with his hands and smiled. He looked right into my eyes and said, "Don't be sad mama, Gramma's in heaven with baby Ben and Jesus!" He pointed up and gave me a huge hug. Here I was trying to teach him and comfort him when all along he was the one who ended up comforting and reminding me of everything I was trying to teach him. In that moment with him, I really felt like my Gram was with us and giving Justin a little wisdom to bring me some comfort. The other comfort is that I truly believe Gram is with Ben and their tossing a football around and doing a little bowling and cloud jumping.

Whether you believe in heaven or not, I'm a big believe that heaven is what you make it.....