In Memorium

Steven and I are deeply devastated to share the loss of our expecting baby. Our world was turned upside down April 28th, 2011, as we attended a routine ultrasound. Our doctor was unable to indicate a heartbeat and even called in a 2nd doctor for consult. It was unclear whether there was no heartbeat or if baby was just postured in a difficult position. We were immediately sent to the emergency room for a more thorough examination and after several hours of blood work and ultrasounds it was confirmed that baby was gone....

As I did not have a typical miscarriage and as I was so far along I will be having surgery on Tuesday. We will be attending a Pregnancy and Newborn Loss Memorial on Monday at St. Joseph Mercy Hospital and after my surgery the baby will be buried at the hospital memorial garden. We truly take comfort in having the ability to go somewhere and grieve and remember. That will be key to our healing.

In this very moment I am dying inside and feel as if my whole world has stopped. I'm angry to see people laughing and smiling and carrying on with their lives. It just isn't fair....I realize these are all irrational emotions but I can't help the anger. Am I angry with God? Yes. Do I believe God loves me and is loving our baby, yes. I've come to terms that God loves me and understands my anger. His shoulders are large enough to bare it all for me. It seems God needed my baby for something larger than we could understand but so did we and if that is selfish of me so be it.

We know the days and weeks and months ahead will be difficult but we turn to God, our family and our friends to carry us through it. It's all I can do to get through each day.

A message to our angel baby:
I loved you from the moment I knew you existed. I fantisized about whether you would be a beautiful baby boy/girl and if you would have my dark raven hair or your daddy's blonde hair. I wondered if you would have my outgoing spitfire personality or if you would be the laid back take it with ease type of person like your daddy. I had your nursery planned in my mind and I began to plan our families future to include a 4th little person. I started researching larger vehicles, daycare costs and even made a list of things we were going to need for your arrival. I thought about how lucky you were going to be to have an amazingly loving big brother who was going to want to teach you all about the world and protect you. Your big brother was so proud. The first time I saw your little heart beat I melted and I knew you were strong...It seems to us little one that God had bigger and better plans for you and that meant us never being able to be together. I have no doubt we will meet again and you will be shining down on us each day. I love you and I will think of you everyday and I am so excited for when you will someday meet me at heavens gates. That day will definately be joyous. I love you beautiful....and I know you are surrounded by all the love of the people that we have lost before you who are in heaven. I know you are well taken care of. Just know your mommy loves you and will keep you in her heart forever.
Until we meet again,
Mommy

To Justin, my big boy,
I know you do not fully understand what is happening right now and I am sorry you've had to see mommy cry. One day you will fully understand and you will understand how much YOUR love got me through this time. Your smile, your hugs, your love is what helps me survive. I am strong because of you and although the baby is in heaven you will always be a big brother to the baby. Do not ever forget this and don't ever forget how much me and your daddy love you.
Love Forever,
Mommy